


i’ll follow you

by SupermanYoosung



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Almost Drowning, Disordered Eating, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Trans Character, alcohol mention, i wrote this while depressed and this is the product, many many warnings, yooseven, yoosung is trans i dont make the rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 12:57:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14915792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupermanYoosung/pseuds/SupermanYoosung
Summary: Yoosung’s depression is so bad, he can’t even get out of bed sometimes. He’s so paranoid that he’ll lose everything else that he loves, that he’d rather follow her into darkness.





	i’ll follow you

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!! please be warned that this contains many triggers, including suicide attempt & thoughts, disordered eating, mentions of alcohol, almost drowning, and just general mental health issues. 
> 
> this is very self-indulgent and my first work, i hope you enjoy!!
> 
> EDIT: thank you all so much for your feedback!! i've seen this on a couple rec lists and it makes me cry, i'm so happy!!! i'm working on a couple other fics i promise, thank you all for your support!!

If Yoosung knew one thing, it was that his life was slowly crumbling.

Nothing ever seemed to fit him. Literally and figuratively—he’d binge eat until the fabric of his clothes strained, and then he’d stop eating until his shirts hung off him, gaining and losing weight to the point where he had eight different sizes of clothing just in his closet.

But figuratively—there was no element to his personality. Nothing except being stupidly cute. Which he despised at times. The binders choking his ribs and making it hard to breathe still numbed the pain of never being seen as a true man. (Another reason why sometimes he never left his room—if his binder didn’t fit, if his face seemed more feminine, he’d lock himself away until he could take his mind off of it, with games, booze, or other unhealthy addictions.)

However many clubs he joined, the number of games he threw himself into, he sooner or later dropped them all, losing interest in everything but LOLOL. Even then, sometimes he just played mindlessly, to make sure his account with all those legendary items and skins didn’t go to waste.

God, was he pathetic.

Even in the one thing he still halfway enjoyed, he couldn’t even reach the top.

Yoosung’s thoughts curdled in his mind, souring his mood as he curled up tighter in his bed, staring blankly at his phone screen. Sure, he’d had severely bad episodes of depression, but this... this felt like a pit he couldn’t climb out of. A pit filled with snakes just poisonous enough to hurt him and make his body wear down over time to the point of collapse.

Maybe he was just being dramatic.

 

**-Yoosung★ has entered the chatroom-**

_707: sup bro_

 

Usually Seven could elicit at least a tiny smile from the gamer. Now, his heart just felt empty.

 

_Yoosung★: Nothing much ^^_

_Yoosung★: I’m really tired... Class was hard today TT_

 

Lies. He didn’t even go to class. He’d spent all morning in bed, tryingto not let the tears fall and failing, hoping to gather at least some semblance of his life together. His stomach growled, reminding him that he didn’t have lunch... or breakfast.

 

_707: lolol poor Yoosungie~_

_707: at least you actually went to class this time~_

_707: [smiling emoji]_

 

Ouch. That stung, especially since well, he didn’t. Instead Yoosung changed the subject.

 

_Yoosung★: Hey Seven?_

_707: ya_

_Yoosung★: Do you know exactly where Rika... passed away?_

_707: ???_

_707: Just at the ocean. Y?_

 

Yoosung really shouldn’t have expected that much. But he still had to try.

 

_Yoosung★: Like, at which coast?_

_707: ?!_

_707: dude why?_

_Yoosung★: I want to visit where she left._

 

Even when typing, Yoosung had to bite on his lip to swallow the half-lie.

 

_707: hmmmm_

_707: I’m sorry but I_

_707: don’t know the specific place._

_Yoosung★: Didn’t V tell you anything?!_

_Yoosung★: Even if you can’t share the location to the apartment, at least let me know which coast is closest!!!_

_707: [shocked emoji]_

_707: Yoosung, calm down!_

_707: ... I know you don’t trust V_

_707: but_

_707: even telling you the closest coast is too dangerous._

 

Yoosung felt anger and hate bubble up inside him, destroying him from the inside out. He could never hate his best friend—no matter how much he wanted to sometimes—and he didn’t want to hate V. But he couldn’t help it. The one source of consistent happiness was gone from his life, and V’s lips were so tightly sealed that Yoosung couldn’t hope to possibly get anything out of him. And the hate inside of him that was directed towards V only returned to him tenfold in self-loathing.

Another message lit up his phone.

 

_707: why right now, anyway?_

 

He hesitated a moment before his thumbs typed out an answer.

 

_Yoosung★: I just_

_Yoosung★: want to visit my cousin._

_Yoosung★: If her soul is resting at that place_

_Yoosung★: then I want to go meet her._

 

Shit, did that reveal too much? He bit his lip, waiting for another joke or prank, already preparing himself for the emotional wave that would come after this.

But the answer...

 

_707: Yoosung, is something wrong?_

 

...hurt more than any joke ever could.

 

_Yoosung★: ...I’m fine._

_Yoosung★: I’ll just visit the one closest to the university._

**-Yoosung★ has left the chatroom.-**

 

And as soon as he did, he threw his phone to the other side of the room, tears already streaking down his face.

Yoosung didn’t want someone to care for him again. Not when he could lose that person as well. If his best friend, the person he now cherished the most, simply disappeared from his life... he didn’t know if he could take it.

So was it selfish to be the one that disappears?

He didn’t bother packing a bag, or even taking his phone. He simply wore the heaviest clothes he could find and headed out the door to the nearest bus stop.

It almost felt calming. As if nothing mattered anymore. As if the pain finally stopped. Which it soon would. On the bus, he stared out the window as the sun set over the horizon, turning the landscape beautiful shades of crimson and gold.

Yoosung managed a tiny smile. It was a gorgeous sight, not one fitting for the last moments of such a wretched man. But he was grateful anyway.

By the time the bus rolled to a stop, the world was already dark. He’d be cold if it wasn’t for the many layers he’d piled on. It was still quite a ways from the ocean, so he started walking.

He hoped Seven wasn’t worried. At least he’d been the only person in the chatroom. A bittersweet feeling struck his chest as he imagined three scenarios: his phone blowing up with worry, or the screen lighting up with jokes and memes... or simply nothing at all.

He wasn’t sure which one hurt the most.

Finally, his shoes sunk into soft sand, the grains crunching under his feet. Relief washed over Yoosung as he realized that these thoughts wouldn’t plague him for much longer.

He should’ve at least brought a note or something, huh?

Oh, that’s right. He reached into his hoodie pocket, pulling out three small pins that would usually be adorned on his clothes. Yoosung gripped them so tightly that it pinched his skin as he slowly approached the water’s edge.

Carefully, he arranged them where they’d be out of the tide’s reach,but close enough to the waves that whoever found them—if it was one of his friends—would know what it meant.

The ocean beckoned him. It soothed him, the sound of water lapping against the shore. Yoosung closed his eyes and inhaled a deep breath, the salt irritating his nose but refreshing him nonetheless.

One, two steps into the water. He could still go back.

Three, four. But what was there to go back to?

Five, six. A life of loneliness? A life where he was never happy?

Seven, eight. Where the person he’d admired was gone forever?

Nine, ten. Where his crush only teased him, breaking his heart when he knew the flirting wasn’t real?

Eleven, twelve. Where self-hate ate at him for all the things he shouldn’t be?

Thirteen, fourteen. Where there’s no hope for him anymore?

He stopped. The waves were gentle, drawing him in. It was almost up to his chest now. A car screeched from the nearby road, breaking the silence, and he moved forward. Yoosung didn’t need to worry about traffic anymore, after all.

He hadn’t left a will, but that was how he wanted it to be.

Even if this was a copycat suicide, at least he’d be at peace.

As the ocean lapped at his ears, he thought he heard someone call his name.

 

_Rika...? Rika, I’m coming to see you..._

 

It finally engulfed his whole body, and he let the warmth seep out of him, his eyes closing peacefully as he waited to drown, letting his heavy clothes drag him to the bottom—

Only for something to yank at his hair.

Yoosung inhaled sharply, and water rushed into his lungs, and it was burning, agonizing, and he wanted to scream but he couldn’t, could only struggle wildly against this mysterious force pulling at him, eventually catching his hood and dragging him backwards, and he fought, his screams and cries finally breaking out when he resurfaced.

“Yoosung, you—“ A cough, arms wrapping around his chest, stronger than his weak body ever could be. “—you _**idiot**_!!!”

“S—Seven?!” Yoosung gasped, then started coughing as well, his lungs desperate for air and to get the liquid out. Water dribbled down his chin, but he could care less about how he looked at the moment. His mind was blank except for one thing.

 

_Luciel came to save me._

 

Even if he could speak, his throat strung with saltwater, and Seven finally hauled his limp body up onto the shore, the older man starting to push on his chest to force the rest of the water out of his system. Finally, Yoosung took in a gulp of air, tears springing to his eyes because of the pain, his torso shuddering with the oxygen rushing into his lungs.

“God, Yoosung, I... I thought I’d lose you...” The voice broke the blonde out of his foggy pain, and slowly he blinked open his eyes to see his best friend, leaning helplessly over him, golden eyes shimmering with tears, glasses thrown to the side and forgotten. “You—you should have said something, I...”

Despite everything, Yoosung managed a smile. “You... had your own demons... to deal with...”

And in the next instant, he was lifted off the sand, wrapped in an embrace that seemed as if it was from heaven, and yet he was still down here on earth. But how could he be upset? This moment, just the two of them... he couldn’t be mad at that, even if he’d just kissed Death.

“Yoosung, you’re such an idiot...” Seven repeated, but the words were softer, and his hold tightened, as if afraid Yoosung would slip away, back into the ocean again. “Even with my own demons, there’s... there’s always something to live for. Like—like cats, or like LOLOL, or ice cream, or funny memes, or—or—you.”

Yoosung blinked, his mind still a cloud. Him? What did that...?

But Seven continued, after a shaky breath. “I know how it feels. Maybe not your specific situation, but I know the feeling. But every time, I realized I couldn’t leave, because then I wouldn’t get to make you smile.” Luciel pulled away for just a second, a watery forced grin on his face. “And you wouldn’t want to see this smile go away either, right?”

The laugh that formed in Yoosung’s throat came out as a sob, and he closed the distance once more, clinging to his best friend, his crush, his savior like his life depended on it. And, well, in the moment, it did.

He let himself sob even though his tears were dried out, hiccups racking his body as he just wanted this moment in Seven’s arms to last forever.

The next thing he knew, however, he was curled up against Luciel’s chest, being carried to the car that had haphazardly been parked by the side of the road. “You need to get to the hospital,” the soothing voice murmured. “You could be in shock, or still have liquid in your lungs...”

But to Yoosung, Luciel was the only healing he needed.


End file.
